When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
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the noise i just made
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Can’t. Being lazy.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.