Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
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Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora