Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!