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I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…