My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying