They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
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Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.