An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
You Might Also Like
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.