@joci2203: Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
@joci2203: "Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe"
-straight up killin' it at this parenting thing
@joci2203: [first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn't you order a side of guacamole?
@joci2203: All I'm saying is there's no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
@joci2203: Weird how people think I won't summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
@joci2203: Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
@joci2203: I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.