She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.