Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol