Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of joejwest's best tweets

@joejwest : [on date] ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face] DATE: This isn't even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?

@joejwest: RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old

@joejwest: COP: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea
SUSPECT: Is it bring your kid to work day?
LITTLE GIRL: [slams fist on desk] Answer the question

@joejwest: ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I'll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

@joejwest: ME: Eat your lemon
PIRATE: No
ME: It stops scurvy
PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye]
ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon]
PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]

@joejwest: [vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I'm doing

@joejwest: ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

@joejwest: ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

@joejwest: MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

@joejwest: DAD: Sorry it's not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared