To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
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*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
new shirt idea
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.