I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one