Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of johnbiehl's best tweets

@johnbiehl : "Playing hard to get huh?" I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

@johnbiehl: Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says "no"*

@johnbiehl: Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

@johnbiehl: *sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there's a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

@johnbiehl: Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

@johnbiehl: Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

@johnbiehl: (McDonald's bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You're better than my mirror at home

@johnbiehl: Who him? Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

@johnbiehl: Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

@johnbiehl: Damn girl, if you was a fruit you'd be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.