An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
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Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.