My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
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Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.