every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
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The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Why is everyone getting married at me
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.