[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Tastes like chicken.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?