Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
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The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD