My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
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when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy