*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.