[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one