@jordan_stratton: Don't be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
@jordan_stratton: *drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
@jordan_stratton: *coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
@jordan_stratton: All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
@jordan_stratton: If you think January has been a big month for marches, you're gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
@jordan_stratton: COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww... I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
@jordan_stratton: Whelp. It's December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
@jordan_stratton: You're not impressing anyone, server who didn't write down our orders. You're just making us anxious.
@jordan_stratton: I don't want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.