Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of jordan_stratton's best tweets

@jordan_stratton : I can't imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, "Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again."

@jordan_stratton: Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

@jordan_stratton: Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I'm like, "Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education"

@jordan_stratton: Don't be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

@jordan_stratton: *drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

@jordan_stratton: *coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

@jordan_stratton: All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

@jordan_stratton: If you think January has been a big month for marches, you're gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

@jordan_stratton: COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww... I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

@jordan_stratton: Whelp. It's December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.