*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
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Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
every single time
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.