[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.