8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
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ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.