Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
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The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.