I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible