Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of joshgondelman's best tweets

@joshgondelman : Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

@joshgondelman: There's nothing to stop you from whispering "I'm in!" like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

@joshgondelman: I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

@joshgondelman: In retrospect, "Metallica" is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It's like a Bob Dylan calling himself "Ol' Folksy."

@joshgondelman: Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

@joshgondelman: Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is "old" plus your gender plus your last name.

@joshgondelman: Why do they call it "buckling a cranky baby into a car seat" and not "fasten the furious?"
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

@joshgondelman: The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.

@joshgondelman: "Why am I not asleep?" he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

@joshgondelman: Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I'm mostly terrified by how I'll never be able to afford to own a home.