Going to church you guys need anything
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*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
cause of death:
autopsy.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*