Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
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you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks