What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
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I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.