Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
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are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.