If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
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At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”