person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.