It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
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*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.