imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
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He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Unimpressed
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich