Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
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American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.