[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
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Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
see you in hell you stupid fruit
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
The internet is magic sometimes.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.