You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
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you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
every college guy’s fridge
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
dutch is not a serious language
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.