At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
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grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
this will hang in the louvre one day
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
when u come home smelling like another dog
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask