I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.