Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
You Might Also Like
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
where the womens at?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Whoa 😂
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS