@junejuly12: [road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don't need seatbelts.
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
@junejuly12: Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook's Tinder profile ~
@junejuly12: If my boss knew I rated him "needs improvement" in last night's sex dream, he probably wouldn't have been so nice to me today.
@junejuly12: Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
@junejuly12: *eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*
*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn't working*
@junejuly12: *gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
@junejuly12: [Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
Never mind. Load it up.
@junejuly12: Apparently "if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly" was not the tip this waitress was expecting.