Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@junejuly12 : Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
@junejuly12: *eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*
*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn't working*
@junejuly12: *gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
@junejuly12: [Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
Never mind. Load it up.
@junejuly12: Apparently "if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly" was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
@junejuly12: I just play poker so I can say I'm going all in without smirking.
@junejuly12: Maybe money can't buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
@junejuly12: [First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
@junejuly12: I can't be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
@junejuly12: Every time you hire a clown for a kid's birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.