Funny Tweeter

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Page of junejuly12's best tweets

@junejuly12 : With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

@junejuly12: [road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don't need seatbelts.

My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

@junejuly12: Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook's Tinder profile ~

@junejuly12: If my boss knew I rated him "needs improvement" in last night's sex dream, he probably wouldn't have been so nice to me today.

@junejuly12: Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.

@junejuly12: *eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn't working*

@junejuly12: *gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

@junejuly12: [Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

@junejuly12: Apparently "if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly" was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

@junejuly12: I just play poker so I can say I'm going all in without smirking.