Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of junejuly12's best tweets

@junejuly12 : I just play poker so I can say I'm going all in without smirking.

@junejuly12: Maybe money can't buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

@junejuly12: [First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ...............
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

@junejuly12: I can't be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

@junejuly12: Every time you hire a clown for a kid's birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

@junejuly12: No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

@junejuly12: Still wake up in a cold sweat thinking about my love note that was passed to the wrong boy in kindergarten.

@junejuly12: Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

@junejuly12: Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl's best friend.

@junejuly12: Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.