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Page of junejuly12's best tweets

@junejuly12 : At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

@junejuly12: Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

@junejuly12: me: can you take care of the grass?

son, 14: *laughs* we call it weed now, mom

me: *narrows eyes* I meant mow the lawn

son: oh oh

@junejuly12: [middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

@junejuly12: Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

@junejuly12: Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

@junejuly12: Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

@junejuly12: Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

@junejuly12: [9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

@junejuly12: Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don't make you work to eat them.

There's an important lesson here.