Funny Tweeter

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Page of junejuly12's best tweets

@junejuly12 : If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

@junejuly12: Him: I’m so high right one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

@junejuly12: [making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

@junejuly12: [months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

@junejuly12: Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

@junejuly12: [Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy's cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

@junejuly12: I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

@junejuly12: I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

@junejuly12: I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

@junejuly12: The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.