Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of junejuly12's best tweets

@junejuly12 : [last night] *does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym* [this morning] *takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

@junejuly12: He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

@junejuly12: 20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

@junejuly12: He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

@junejuly12: Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

@junejuly12: My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

@junejuly12: No thanks, Genie. I'm not falling for the old "rub the magic lamp" trick again.

@junejuly12: Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

@junejuly12: If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

@junejuly12: If each day is a gift, I'd like to discuss the return policy.