Funny Tweeter

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Page of junejuly12's best tweets

@junejuly12 : Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

@junejuly12: *waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

@junejuly12: [texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

@junejuly12: I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

@junejuly12: My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

@junejuly12: [Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

@junejuly12: Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.

I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.

@junejuly12: Like Carrie at the prom but it's just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

@junejuly12: If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

@junejuly12: He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.