Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of junejuly12's best tweets

@junejuly12 : Working at McDonald's at 16 taught me I didn't want to work at McDonald's at 17.

@junejuly12: *rushes in*
"Sorry I didn't see the email"
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

@junejuly12: Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

@junejuly12: Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

@junejuly12: Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don't.
Me: I don't really.
Me: I don't! And that's final.

@junejuly12: With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

@junejuly12: [road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don't need seatbelts.

My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

@junejuly12: Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook's Tinder profile ~

@junejuly12: If my boss knew I rated him "needs improvement" in last night's sex dream, he probably wouldn't have been so nice to me today.

@junejuly12: Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.