Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of junejuly12's best tweets

@junejuly12 : 5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

@junejuly12: Me: ...and I also insist on cucumber water in the spa.

Satan: she’s all yours, man.

St Peter: nope, not a chance.

Satan: then there’s only one way to settle this.

St Peter: 1-2-3 go!...damn it, both paper, go again!

@junejuly12: If you're religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you're not, you get to enjoy them.

@junejuly12: Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

@junejuly12: My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

@junejuly12: Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

@junejuly12: Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

@junejuly12: The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

@junejuly12: Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: ...and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

@junejuly12: Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute...