@junejuly12: Me: ...and I also insist on cucumber water in the spa.
Satan: she’s all yours, man.
St Peter: nope, not a chance.
Satan: then there’s only one way to settle this.
St Peter: 1-2-3 go!...damn it, both paper, go again!
@junejuly12: If you're religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you're not, you get to enjoy them.
@junejuly12: Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
@junejuly12: My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
@junejuly12: Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
@junejuly12: Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
@junejuly12: Him: you’re so cool
Him: ...and aloof
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
@junejuly12: Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute...