Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of junejuly12's best tweets

@junejuly12 : Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

@junejuly12: 10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

@junejuly12: Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

@junejuly12: Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

@junejuly12: Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

@junejuly12: Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

@junejuly12: No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

@junejuly12: Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

@junejuly12: [In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

@junejuly12: If I had seen the first person climb a 300 foot hill, strap on skis, and jump off; all I would have thought is “cool weed, dude”.