@junejuly12: *waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: meet me at 8 sharp
Kid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
@junejuly12: I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
@junejuly12: My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
@junejuly12: [Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
@junejuly12: Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
@junejuly12: Like Carrie at the prom but it's just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
@junejuly12: If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.