@junejuly12: 10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
@junejuly12: Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
@junejuly12: Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
@junejuly12: Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
@junejuly12: Me: Green please
God: All gone
Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone
Me: Whatever, just make them big
Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
@junejuly12: No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
@junejuly12: Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
@junejuly12: [In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
@junejuly12: If I had seen the first person climb a 300 foot hill, strap on skis, and jump off; all I would have thought is “cool weed, dude”.