Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
You Might Also Like
#SCOTUS one-star review
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
rise and shine we got egg
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail