What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
You Might Also Like
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents