I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
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Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
subtitles are so good nowadays
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince