Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?