Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
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comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
this has to be peak English
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again